Somewhere between the sun and the clouds.

Yesterday, the sky was cobalt blue and the warmth of the full and uninhibited sun fell upon my skin, making the hairs on the backs of my arms stand on end. It was a welcome feeling, and I accepted every inch of potential the brilliant rays of heat cast upon me.

Today, there's an altogether different picture above me. Thick, grey clouds have rolled in and buried the sun beneath them as they re-establish their reign. They weren't overthrown for long. I close my eyes and imagine that I'm a child that can blow them away with large breaths. I would try, but however sincere the sentiment I know it would do no good.

As usual, there's no warning to signal the change in weather. No time to prepare for what the clouds are brewing. I hope, as always, for minimal damage this time around, and that the storm doesn't last as long as the time before.

I know that in the future, the sun will peep from behind the clouds once more, and the familiar sensation I enjoyed yesterday will touch my skin again. Each time I savour it more keenly, unsure how long I will be allowed to feel this way.

Most of the time, I live somewhere between the sun and the clouds, in the quiet contentment that exists as the two cohabit in the vast sky.

Occasionally, the cobalt blue sky returns and takes me by surprise. When it does, I lay beneath it and appreciate the calm as I think over all the storms I've faced and survived. Ever hopeful that this time, the patches of warmth and occasional unbridled heat of the sun find a way to remain.

KT x

The End

Well what can I say, it's been a true labour of love, but I am more than thrilled to announce that my debut novel, Meet Me in the Treehouse is indeed finished. I can barely believe it as I type these words. In fact, I feel a bit overwhelmed. It wasn’t easy and those nearest to me know that I wanted to give up so many times, but I persevered and I am so proud of myself and what I have achieved. As I read the final chapter tonight I found that I had goose bumps, which I am taking as a good sign that what I have written is full of both my heart and soul.

I am planning on enjoying a glass or three of Prosecco tonight in mini celebration. The big celebrations I will save for the day that it get's published.

Thank you all again so much for the support.

Literary agents and publishers here I come…I hope you are ready.

KT x

‘If it doesn’t open it’s not your door’.

I wrote in May this year about ‘Pushing doors, aiming high, dreaming big’, before I submitted my chapters to: The Richard and Judy Search for a Bestseller competition. A week has passed since the competition shortlist was announced. Of course, it would have been nice to have been on it, but as the quote reads, ‘If it doesn’t open it’s not your door’. I’ll never know how close I came to being shortlisted. Did the judges dismiss me upon reading the first paragraph? Or did my chapters make it in to the hundreds from thousands, or the top ten, even? Only eight were successful, and for all I know I could have been the ninth. It’s both incredibly frustrating, the not knowing, and sort of exciting. Professionals within the publishing industry have read my work- I may not have been what they were looking for this time, but I hope that they saw some promise in my writing.

 

 

I have several other doors lined up in the coming weeks. The next is a week today (see link below), and I am very excited by it…

http://booksandthecity.co.uk/one-day/

Books and the City, are hosting a #DigitalOriginals #OneDay call for submissions from authors. Instead of having to try and attract a literary agent to get published, for one day, you can go direct to the publisher. If they like your submitted first chapter then they will request the completed novel. If your novel is selected then they will publish it in digital format…My insides dance as I write the words: ‘publish it’. Again, I imagine that I will be up against some great writers, but it’s too good an opportunity to miss to let that put me off.

‘#DigitalOriginals is part of the Simon & Schuster UK publishing company’. The same publishing company of my favourite female author, Paige Toon, whose books I’ve been reading for almost a decade. I would be immensely proud to have my novel published by them.

Another great plus side to entering this event, aside from having my novel potentially published and being able to meet my writing heroines, are the deadlines it brings with it. Who doesn’t work better to a deadline? When we have all the time in the world, we tend to take longer to achieve something. There’s no rush, no urgency. Add a deadline and we work harder and faster. Yes, we probably sleep less and worry more, but there’s a sense of purpose and achievement in working towards something. If The Books and the City team want to read my complete novel, they will let me know within six weeks of submitting chapter one…that’s really REALLY soon. So, if any of you are planning on seeing me in the next month, then be prepared. Bring chocolate, coffee and hugs (lots of hugs).

 
Last week my ‘sis’, as I like to call her, or my ‘sister from another mister’, Ruth, who has been my rock in this writing journey so far, said to me: ‘If anyone has got the determination to succeed it’s you!’ I used to wonder why authors had such long acknowledgements in their books, now I know why. Writing is hard. Self-doubt creeps in constantly. It would be easy to give up, which is why so many people do. The people championing you- who believe in you even when you’re having days when you don’t believe in yourself, keep you going. I’m lucky to have so many people championing me- who believe in me and my writing. You know who you are! I have already reserved a space for you in my acknowledgements page.

So for now, I will get back to editing my novel and leave you with this…

 

‘The size of your dreams must always exceed your current capacity to achieve them. If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough.’ Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.  

KT x

The wait is almost over...

The shortlist for The Richard and Judy Search for a Bestseller is upon us and all successful authors will be informed by tomorrow. There are a range of emotions currently circling my body in the rather tense wait to find out. The butterflies rampaging in my stomach are flitting between excitement, nerves, fear, and then back to excitement again. I've tried to distract myself. I've tried to tell myself that the odds of being shortlisted are very slim. One kind author, who was shortlisted last year, said to me that 'a handful of people out of thousands is a tough call' and not to be disheartened if I'm not chosen. Another lovely author said: 'you are in control of your writing journey'.
Both have encouraged me to keep going until I see my dream realised.

You all know what it would mean to me to be in the next stage of the competition, but I know that my dream won't stop here if I am not successful this time. Ive already got great opportunities lined up in the coming weeks and my novel is the closest to completed it has ever been.

So, watch this space. I know some of you are as eager to read 'Meet Me in the Treehouse', as I am to see it published.

Remember: "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream..." C.S.Lewis


KT x

Read Me When You’re Older…

To my son,

You are almost five.

Being your mum has been the best and hardest journey I’ve ever been on. No one tells you just how much you will worry when you have a child. No one can make you see or feel how much you will love them. It’s hard to remember a time before you existed, or how I possibly filled the hours in a day without you to look after.

I love that you have your own ways and that your personality already stands out. I love your thirst for knowledge. You try and figure out how everything works around you with questions and probing. I encourage you to never stop doing that. Learn all that you can and use it to be a good man. A wise man that’s compassionate and successful.

I love how we already know each other- a connection between mother and son. I Love how we make each other laugh. How we drive each other slightly crazy when we’re both tired (there’s more of that to come over the years). Remember, when I’m driving you crazy it’s because I love and believe in you. I want what’s best for you, and for you to be all you can be in this life. I want you to be safe, and most of all happy. I will try and remember that you won’t drive me crazy forever, that all the things I’ve taught you will one day see you through.

Don’t ever try to be someone you’re not. I love who you already are and who you have the potential to be. Choose good friends, because the people in your life will influence you more than you know.

Remember that I am always your mum and I’m always here. I don’t always get it right. In fact, as you grow up you will see how wrong I do get things sometimes. One day If you have children of your own you will know why. Being a parent isn’t always easy, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

You have made me prouder in the past five years than I’ve been in my entire life. I look forward to the rest of this journey as you grow up.

Let’s have fun and keep learning together.

Love always,

Mum x

Thank you for your submission...

Well, It's official! I have pressed the 'submit' button and I am now entered into the competition. Thank you to all who have supported me so far. It's been quite the journey already...
I'm looking forward to the next phase of completing my manuscript, and as ever I will be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for the 30th June.
There is plenty of work ahead, but each stage see's me closer to realising the dream, and having 'Meet Me in the Treehouse' published for you all to read!

Watch this space...

KT x

Pushing doors. Aiming high. Dreaming big!

  After working tirelessly away on my first novel: Meet Me in the Treehouse, I am pleased to say that it is two thirds finished. However, ‘finished’ is a strange concept when writing a novel, something I now know only too well. Even when you have a ‘finished manuscript’ (if we are speaking technically), there are many revisions and tweaks required before it is ready to send to anyone in the professional realm. I have just spent the past few weeks polishing my first three chapters, because as some of you may be aware, I am entering the Richard and Judy Search for a Bestseller 2016 competition. Not only have I been polishing my first three chapters for the competition submission, rearranging words, moving comma’s, taking out nonsense, or as my cousin Jayne pointed out: the millionth reference to a cup of tea in 9 paragraphs! (Come on, I live in Derbyshire! They drink a lot of tea here!) I also had to write a one page synopsis of the plot, and the main characters, which had to reveal the ending (*Spoiler alert*). Don’t worry, I won’t be sharing that on here, you will all have to wait for the book to be published. The synopsis, along with the first three chapters, will be how the judges decide if they want to shortlist my novel and read the ‘finished manuscript’.  

In order to write the dreaded synopsis, where I was to condense my 80,000 words into an A4 sheet of paper, I locked myself away in my house for an entire weekend, where I tore up numerous sheets of paper, and threw them around the room creating an almost wintery landscape on my living room carpet. I decided on more than one occasion that I couldn’t do it, and that I would rather write another novel than my synopsis, almost giving up entirely. Eventually at around midnight, I typed for an hour and forty minutes and suddenly had one page of words that I was happy with.

My second task was to write an author bio…this was turning into the highest staked job application process of my life. I think we’ve all been there, our dream job within grasp, where we’ve needed to write that killer CV or supporting statement on an application. The synopsis, author bio, and my first three chapters are my killer CV/supporting statement, and I need to make them all stand out. What can an unpublished writer possibly say? It’s the age old issue of how to get a job with no experience. Do I babble on about my favourite authors, who I aspire to be like? Do I say that I love writing? Well I don’t think anyone writes an 80,000 word novel that doesn’t love to write. After a few Google searches, I concluded that I would rather write another synopsis than try and write a bio about myself (and that's saying something!). Having said that, I do now have a bio to add to my synopsis that I am also happy with (*big sigh of relief!).

All I have left to do is polish chapter three and I am ready to submit (Insert grimacing faced emoji, alongside weary cat faced emoji here). Then it will be the agonising wait to hear if I have been shortlisted on June 30^th, where successful authors will have until December to send in their completed novel for judging. The winner is announced in Jan 2017.

I know that thousands entered last time, and only seven people were shortlisted, so it’s a long shot, but I am proud of myself for entering. I am proud that I believe in my writing, and my story enough to put it out there and have it judged. Something that started as a hobby has now turned into a passion for writing that makes me want more. I’m daring to dream that one day I may be able to write part time, or full time, who knows? I started the novel with the hope of being able to check off an item on my ‘life’s to do list’:

·         Write a novel (Check!)

Now I have added to the list: 

·         ‘Get my novel published’

·         ‘Make a career out of writing’

I didn’t expect writing to mean so much to me. I didn’t expect I would be any good at it. I certainly didn’t expect people to react as positively to it as they have. I’ve found something that I love to do, something that gives me an excited feeling in the pit of my stomach for what the future may hold. So I’m aiming high. I’m pushing doors, and I’m daring to dream big, because I love the story I’ve written, and I hope that one day it will be published, and that you will all love reading it as much as I have loved writing it.    

I will keep you all updated.
Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.

KT x

Poker face...

I'm steadfast and I'm quiet,
I listen and observe.
On the surface you don't see my wounds, on the surface I'm not heard.

My strength doesn't lie in things I know, nor things I can explain.
If strength was left for me to find, my search would be in vain.

I've dug deep trenches in my heart,
I've built up walls of stone.
I’ve worn a poker face more times, than anyone would know.

Surreal's become reality, in more ways than I'd wish.
I never imagined way back when, it would all add up to this.

There's lessons in the heartache,
there’s  growth that comes from pain.
I may be playing poker now, but winning's not my aim.

I aim to find the quiet, the peace that once was lost.
Sometimes putting up a fight, is far too high a cost.

I'm steadfast and I'm quiet,
I listen and observe.
I've worked out what this life's about from all that I have learnt.

KT x

Each and every day!

 

I have had the privilege of nursing some truly amazing, inspirational people in my career as a nurse. With ten years looking after patients and families dealing with cancer, there aren’t many human emotions I haven’t met- my own and those of the people in my care. Ironically, working in cancer as a speciality is not a depressing job, despite any misconceptions that it might be. It’s challenging, saddening, and frustrating sometimes, yet completely humbling.

I was twenty-one years old when I worked on my first cancer ward. Looking back I realise just how young that was to face some of the things I encountered. I began to think about my own mortality and the mortality of my family and friends, more than your average person in their twenties. I quickly learnt that cancer doesn’t discriminate; nursing people the same age as my parents, grandparents, and some who were even the same age as me.  I’ve watched many fight cancer and win; celebrating with them and their families as they received their amazing news, and I’ve shed a tear for those who fought on bravely and did not overcome- I still remember a great many of those patients and their families. What continually surprises me over the years is the strength of character that people display, along with the simple joy of being alive each and every day. There is a good lesson in that for many of us.

My work with these patients has meant that I spend a considerable amount of time getting to know them and their families; I would often see some of them more than my own family- or so it seemed. Caring for them daily, weekly, monthly; from the devastation of diagnosis, through treatment and into recovery, which I always hope for. I would learn about them and their families- those that were getting married, passing exams, having children, taking cruises, buying and selling houses, and all the other aspects of their lives. At first, I had a hard time learning not to get too attached; the first few patients that I nursed and sadly lost hit me the hardest. It was only after a couple of years that the words of one matron made sense; ‘you must save your grief for your own loved ones’. It was true, and spoken with the wisdom of no doubt learning the hard way, as we all do. Grief is a difficult emotion, one that everyone deals with differently. In the job I do there is a balance of achieving compassion, yet not allowing yourself to grieve alongside people; if we did, we wouldn’t be in our job for long, and perhaps that is why some people could never do this particular field of nursing. There are many fields of nursing I know I wouldn’t be suited to, children’s nursing for one, particularly now that I am a mum myself.

My job isn’t easy, and some days I don’t want to face bad news and suffering. On those days I have to remind myself that I am not the one going through, what they are going through and I also remind myself of the people I have helped over the years; the hands I’ve held, the hugs I’ve given and received from relieved family members, when a scan result came back clear. The relief on a person’s face when I’ve stepped into a room to see them, when they’re unwell, and the phone calls from scared patients whose voices lift just enough to know I made a difference to their suffering. Living with the trust that people have in you to make them better, is a great responsibility and a deep privilege.

We are only human and we all have bad days, where the trivialities of life overwhelm us and this is okay, but I try and remember how fortunate I am every day that I am alive and well. Every day that I get to see or speak with my loved ones, I count as a blessing. Because being a cancer nurse for over a decade has taught me not to take those things for granted.

KT x

Believe the truth and be free...

Modern life seems to have stripped people of a sense of self-worth. External influences such as social media have their advantages, and we enjoy using them, but it can also make it harder for people to escape criticism, peer pressure, or feelings of inadequacy. I think our young people are particularly vulnerable. School was hard enough, especially if you were bullied like I was. I can't imagine what it would be like now with the power of social media. Not even being able to escape the bullies in your own home.

I was saddened recently hearing a report on the radio that said self-poisoning was becoming a big problem. My heart went out to those who feel they have so little self-worth that they turn to hurting themselves. No one should have to feel that way.

The world's a tough place. Growing up in it is tough, it always has been, but I suppose each generation faces different and similar difficulties.
Young people are still trying to find their place in a world that tells them all sorts of lies.

Whatever your age, if you’re reading this and are struggling with self-worth, remember you are special and beautiful in your own way. The opinions of those who put you down won't matter one day. Even though today they seem like they are the only opinion.

You matter to someone, don't ignore that! More importantly, learn what it means to matter to yourself. Respect yourself, love yourself, and ignore negative influences. No one should get to make you feel worthless.

You are awesome! Anything else is a lie.
Believe the truth and be free!

KT x

A bit of spirit and determination... #worldbookday

Writing for me is an escape, much like reading a book or being immersed in a film. It’s a place where I can choose what happens and when; as opposed to in life where things just happen- chosen or not. Writing gives me the space to be myself, to delve into my inner most thoughts, memories and experiences, and hopefully create a story that is not only worth telling, but brings inspiration to those who read it. I don’t want to write for the sake of it; I want people to have an emotional reaction to my writing. It may be fiction, but I want to create characters and experiences that resonate with readers. 

I feel content when I write; it’s what I want to do. I’ve had my nose in a book my whole life, turning page after page of my favourite author’s books; willing characters on and shedding tears at heart-warming tales. A good book leaves you with that satisfied feeling of being taken on a journey, followed by the sadness that the journey has come to an end. I love how books have made me feel over the years, and I want to inspire that feeling in a reader.

In the beginning I wrote as a way of healing, it was an emotional anchor for me. I didn’t envisage it being very good, or that people would enjoy my story. I remember showing the first draft of my novel to a friend, and she lost track of time while reading it-which I knew was a good sign. Then she sent me a message saying ‘I love, love, love your book’. Later she confessed that she had worried, if it had been awful, she'd have had to break the news to me. Instead, with surprise in her voice she said: ‘you can actually write!’ I can’t explain how it felt to hear her confirm it was actually good and the characters, that were real in my mind, had come to life in the way I had intended.

Writing is a long journey that teaches many things; dedication, perseverance, self-belief, self-doubt, frustration (and how much chocolate you can actually consume!) I love to write, so even after my novel is finished, whatever the outcome, I will keep writing. I cannot pretend that it isn’t my dream to walk into a book shop one day and see my novel on a shelf, or in the window display. I get goose bumps when I imagine how it would feel to see my story in print and know that people were actually reading my work.

Above all, I want to make my family and friends, who have supported me in life, proud. I want to show my son that dreams are important and that with a bit of spirit and determination, he can be anything he wants to be.

KT x

In spite of my fears

Today I was greatly out of my comfort zone as I sat at the back of an auditorium, staring down at the conference programme where my name appeared as the eighth speaker on the list. I was asked a couple of weeks prior to the conference if I would do a short presentation about cancer research. I am a cancer research nurse after all, but I don’t normally give presentations, so I cannot explain the sense of dread that filled me, being asked to speak in front of fifty plus healthcare professionals, including specialist nurses and doctors.

I didn’t think my fear was a good enough reason to refuse, so I busily conjured up plans to be on leave that day, to ask my manager to refuse to release me from work, or anything else that I could use as a suitable excuse. In the end I agreed, even as I spoke the words I couldn’t believe I was saying yes, for there was no reality where I could actually imagine speaking in front of all those people.

At one point (or several points) in the preparations for the presentation, I cried- I didn’t think I would ever have anything decent to present. Despite how tirelessly I worked on the project, willing it to be good enough; all I could see was making a fool of myself in front of people who were far more knowledgeable and experienced than I. But deep down I knew that I needed to do this, in spite of my fears.

During the other speakers presentations I tried to concentrate, with success at first, choosing denial as a way of dealing with my nerves. I counted down the presentations ahead of mine, knowing that there were five speakers, a coffee break, three more speakers, then me. After a ‘technical’ fault, we had to break early for coffee, which threw me into a slight spin. Then the sessions were running one hour behind, not unusual for a conference of this kind, but adding to my nervous tension, none the less.  

Finally we reached the penultimate presentation and all I could hear was ‘white noise’. I took some breathes, trying to gather oxygen in my lungs as one of my colleagues leaned over to me, saying: ‘you’ve got this’. Two of my other colleagues, who were sat diagonally to my left, turned to me and smiled in solidarity.  ‘I’ve got this!’ My inner monologue told me and I remembered the words of my beautiful son the night before: ‘Don’t be scared and talk loud and clear!’ I sipped my water, trying to clear the dry rasp forming in my throat, before the dreaded words ‘any questions’ filled the air, signalling the end of the speaker’s presentation.

It was my turn!

Question time went on that bit too long, once again adding to my nervous tension before I was called up. I assumed an air of ‘pretend’ confidence as the consultant uploaded my presentation and I focused intently on making my blood deprived fingertips clip the microphone to my nurse’s uniform. Fear amplified the ‘white noise’, so I took a deep breath, telling myself it would soon be over. ‘I’ve got this!’ my inner monologue told me once more, as I quickly remembered the advice people had given me ‘to speak slowly and clearly’. Then words left my mouth as If I was on autopilot. I methodically moved from slide to slide, and to my surprise I perfectly pronounced all the words I stuttered over in rehearsal. I looked up and saw my lovely friends and colleagues beaming at me in support, and I even managed to make eye contact with other members of the audience.

With each slide in my presentation my confidence grew and my anxiety dissipated. As I reached the closing points I felt relief build and then surge through my body as I heard myself say: ‘any questions?’

I’d done it!  

I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I would leap at the chance to repeat the experience again in a hurry; I can still feel my knees knocking together so fiercely that I feared they would fail to carry me to the front to speak. What I proved to myself today was that under all that self-doubt and fear was a confident and capable person, who rose to the challenge and succeeded. I am proud and relieved in equal measure, and I cannot tell you the sense of achievement I feel in facing something I utterly dreaded.

If only this feeling could be gathered up and bottled!

KT x

It won't always be this hard...

I was reminded this week that we all go through times when everything falls apart, and we can’t ever imagine being able to put ourselves, and the people we love back together again. I don’t know why bad things happen, I’m not the sort of person who likes to attribute blame to anything in particular- it’s just life, and people, and sometimes people let us down.

Remember on the days, weeks and even months where it feels as if it will never get any better… it will! It won’t always be this hard. Believe in yourself and know that this hard time will one day be behind you; it may not go away completely, it may leave a scar- but hopefully it will also leave something positive that you weren’t expecting.

We’re only broken for a short while, until all the pieces rise and form something greater and stronger than was there before.  

KT x

Today was a weird day.

I chose the word 'weird' for want of a better way to explain it. Today my son became a big brother, because his dad’s partner had a baby. I obviously knew that this day was coming for the past few months, and I imagined it would feel strange. It did. You never imagine your child will have a sibling that has absolutely nothing to do with you. I always imagined it would be me that gave my son a brother or sister, and I can’t explain how it feels that this is not the case.

In the past couple of years I thought I’d had just about all the surreal experience’s you could have. But today, waiting in my office in the hospital not far from the labour ward for my son to finish meeting his brother, was the most surreal of them all. I thought about the look he would have on his face when he saw his brother for the first time, and that I wouldn’t get to see that. How he would look holding him in his arms and giving him his first soft kiss on his head. Despite how absolutely resolute I am in knowing just how much better my life is now, I allowed myself to feel sad. Because today was always going to be the hardest day. You can move on from your marriage and the feelings you once held for your ex, but I think you’re allowed to feel sad that there is a part of your child that you are not a part of. He is part of a family that will never be a part of, and I have found this is by far the toughest part of divorce.

When I finally see my son, after he’s met his brother, he's a little sad to have left him and wants to see him again. Despite my own feelings (of a small dagger plunging into my heart), I breathe and explain that he will get to see his brother all the time now. That he will be in his life forever. My son says ‘my baby brother is my best pal forever.’ Of course he's right and I’m happy for him. Happy that he has a brother and will experience that relationship. In spite of my, no doubt short lived, sadness on this weird day I choose to enjoy in what small way I can just how happy having a brother has made him. I think that’s surely a better way to approach it than to just be sad.

KT x

Miss, Mrs & Ms.

Am I a different person now or not? Is the question I often ask myself.
It’s been two years since my marriage ended and I see all the people around me moving on. People getting married for the first time, or getting divorced and remarried. People getting pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, and I can’t decide how I feel about that. I’ve been married, I’ve worn an engagement ring and a wedding ring and I’ve had the ‘fairy tale’ day. I’ve been a Miss, Mrs and now Ms. I’ve been pregnant and have a beautiful son, so what really have I to envy?

Sometimes I feel like my life has moved on immeasurably. Other times I feel I’m in the exact same place I was. I suppose if the above ‘timelines of life events’ are to be used to judge progression in life then I'm stationary, because nothing has happened since my divorce. Am I wiser? Yes. Am I happier? Most certainly! Do I often feel like I’m going backwards, because nothing from the above list has happened yet- all the time?

What happens when you find yourself in the same position as me- you’ve hit all the major milestones in life and are left right back at the beginning? I’ve dated in the past couple of years, but I’m thirty two now, and it’s so much harder this time around. For one, I'm a single parent and I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for, but the list of things I am not looking for has grown considerably and does so every day… (And I thought I was picky in my twenties!) I have a somewhat peaceful life being single. It has its moments, but there isn’t the relationship stress and pressure, which if I am being honest draws me to stick with my single life. A relationship would also have to make me consider if it was right for my son, the future ‘somebody’ has to tick both boxes- an even harder task. 

It’s even more difficult when your ex is already a great distance down the ‘timeline of life events’ with someone else. You automatically ask even more questions of yourself. One of the most thought provoking things I read recently was about giving your heart time to heal and be single for a while. It said, ‘If you carry bricks from your past relationship to the new one…You will build the same house!’ Amazing! What a revelation! This is the longest I have ever been single. I had quite long relationships from a young age, so I’m not saying I had lots of boyfriends, but the distance between the end and the start were negligible, and there was always someone, even if it were just a crush. It is invaluable the space that being truly single provides; it de-clutters your mind, allows you to think, process emotions, builds and inspires creativity, and self-reliance. Most importantly it allows you to build a true self-confidence that will stop you searching for someone else to be the reason you are confident. Being confident and happy because of the person you are with means that when they are no longer there, you are no longer confident and happy.

I have realised over the past two years that I used to measure my worth based on what others thought about me. I had a false confidence because of the relationship I was in, which only led to insecurity because I feared the loss of the relationship. What I’ve gained through having my world spiral out of control is a sense of self-worth, and peace. ‘You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.’ A few people have sent me this saying to encourage me in the harder times. You don’t see it at the time, but what you once thought would end your world, really only made it change shape a little. Now I'm confident in who I am and who I am not. I have the love of the most special little boy in the whole world, and no amount of heart ache that the past two years has seen would make me change a thing, for I am his mummy and am so proud and happy to be.

I don’t know where life is taking me, nor do I have all the answers, but I am I’m happy with the person I have become. I’m not perfect and never will be, no one will. But I like that I’ve had time to find myself, and that I like what I’ve found…