In spite of my fears

Today I was greatly out of my comfort zone as I sat at the back of an auditorium, staring down at the conference programme where my name appeared as the eighth speaker on the list. I was asked a couple of weeks prior to the conference if I would do a short presentation about cancer research. I am a cancer research nurse after all, but I don’t normally give presentations, so I cannot explain the sense of dread that filled me, being asked to speak in front of fifty plus healthcare professionals, including specialist nurses and doctors.

I didn’t think my fear was a good enough reason to refuse, so I busily conjured up plans to be on leave that day, to ask my manager to refuse to release me from work, or anything else that I could use as a suitable excuse. In the end I agreed, even as I spoke the words I couldn’t believe I was saying yes, for there was no reality where I could actually imagine speaking in front of all those people.

At one point (or several points) in the preparations for the presentation, I cried- I didn’t think I would ever have anything decent to present. Despite how tirelessly I worked on the project, willing it to be good enough; all I could see was making a fool of myself in front of people who were far more knowledgeable and experienced than I. But deep down I knew that I needed to do this, in spite of my fears.

During the other speakers presentations I tried to concentrate, with success at first, choosing denial as a way of dealing with my nerves. I counted down the presentations ahead of mine, knowing that there were five speakers, a coffee break, three more speakers, then me. After a ‘technical’ fault, we had to break early for coffee, which threw me into a slight spin. Then the sessions were running one hour behind, not unusual for a conference of this kind, but adding to my nervous tension, none the less.  

Finally we reached the penultimate presentation and all I could hear was ‘white noise’. I took some breathes, trying to gather oxygen in my lungs as one of my colleagues leaned over to me, saying: ‘you’ve got this’. Two of my other colleagues, who were sat diagonally to my left, turned to me and smiled in solidarity.  ‘I’ve got this!’ My inner monologue told me and I remembered the words of my beautiful son the night before: ‘Don’t be scared and talk loud and clear!’ I sipped my water, trying to clear the dry rasp forming in my throat, before the dreaded words ‘any questions’ filled the air, signalling the end of the speaker’s presentation.

It was my turn!

Question time went on that bit too long, once again adding to my nervous tension before I was called up. I assumed an air of ‘pretend’ confidence as the consultant uploaded my presentation and I focused intently on making my blood deprived fingertips clip the microphone to my nurse’s uniform. Fear amplified the ‘white noise’, so I took a deep breath, telling myself it would soon be over. ‘I’ve got this!’ my inner monologue told me once more, as I quickly remembered the advice people had given me ‘to speak slowly and clearly’. Then words left my mouth as If I was on autopilot. I methodically moved from slide to slide, and to my surprise I perfectly pronounced all the words I stuttered over in rehearsal. I looked up and saw my lovely friends and colleagues beaming at me in support, and I even managed to make eye contact with other members of the audience.

With each slide in my presentation my confidence grew and my anxiety dissipated. As I reached the closing points I felt relief build and then surge through my body as I heard myself say: ‘any questions?’

I’d done it!  

I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I would leap at the chance to repeat the experience again in a hurry; I can still feel my knees knocking together so fiercely that I feared they would fail to carry me to the front to speak. What I proved to myself today was that under all that self-doubt and fear was a confident and capable person, who rose to the challenge and succeeded. I am proud and relieved in equal measure, and I cannot tell you the sense of achievement I feel in facing something I utterly dreaded.

If only this feeling could be gathered up and bottled!

KT x

It won't always be this hard...

I was reminded this week that we all go through times when everything falls apart, and we can’t ever imagine being able to put ourselves, and the people we love back together again. I don’t know why bad things happen, I’m not the sort of person who likes to attribute blame to anything in particular- it’s just life, and people, and sometimes people let us down.

Remember on the days, weeks and even months where it feels as if it will never get any better… it will! It won’t always be this hard. Believe in yourself and know that this hard time will one day be behind you; it may not go away completely, it may leave a scar- but hopefully it will also leave something positive that you weren’t expecting.

We’re only broken for a short while, until all the pieces rise and form something greater and stronger than was there before.  

KT x

Today was a weird day.

I chose the word 'weird' for want of a better way to explain it. Today my son became a big brother, because his dad’s partner had a baby. I obviously knew that this day was coming for the past few months, and I imagined it would feel strange. It did. You never imagine your child will have a sibling that has absolutely nothing to do with you. I always imagined it would be me that gave my son a brother or sister, and I can’t explain how it feels that this is not the case.

In the past couple of years I thought I’d had just about all the surreal experience’s you could have. But today, waiting in my office in the hospital not far from the labour ward for my son to finish meeting his brother, was the most surreal of them all. I thought about the look he would have on his face when he saw his brother for the first time, and that I wouldn’t get to see that. How he would look holding him in his arms and giving him his first soft kiss on his head. Despite how absolutely resolute I am in knowing just how much better my life is now, I allowed myself to feel sad. Because today was always going to be the hardest day. You can move on from your marriage and the feelings you once held for your ex, but I think you’re allowed to feel sad that there is a part of your child that you are not a part of. He is part of a family that will never be a part of, and I have found this is by far the toughest part of divorce.

When I finally see my son, after he’s met his brother, he's a little sad to have left him and wants to see him again. Despite my own feelings (of a small dagger plunging into my heart), I breathe and explain that he will get to see his brother all the time now. That he will be in his life forever. My son says ‘my baby brother is my best pal forever.’ Of course he's right and I’m happy for him. Happy that he has a brother and will experience that relationship. In spite of my, no doubt short lived, sadness on this weird day I choose to enjoy in what small way I can just how happy having a brother has made him. I think that’s surely a better way to approach it than to just be sad.

KT x

Miss, Mrs & Ms.

Am I a different person now or not? Is the question I often ask myself.
It’s been two years since my marriage ended and I see all the people around me moving on. People getting married for the first time, or getting divorced and remarried. People getting pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, and I can’t decide how I feel about that. I’ve been married, I’ve worn an engagement ring and a wedding ring and I’ve had the ‘fairy tale’ day. I’ve been a Miss, Mrs and now Ms. I’ve been pregnant and have a beautiful son, so what really have I to envy?

Sometimes I feel like my life has moved on immeasurably. Other times I feel I’m in the exact same place I was. I suppose if the above ‘timelines of life events’ are to be used to judge progression in life then I'm stationary, because nothing has happened since my divorce. Am I wiser? Yes. Am I happier? Most certainly! Do I often feel like I’m going backwards, because nothing from the above list has happened yet- all the time?

What happens when you find yourself in the same position as me- you’ve hit all the major milestones in life and are left right back at the beginning? I’ve dated in the past couple of years, but I’m thirty two now, and it’s so much harder this time around. For one, I'm a single parent and I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for, but the list of things I am not looking for has grown considerably and does so every day… (And I thought I was picky in my twenties!) I have a somewhat peaceful life being single. It has its moments, but there isn’t the relationship stress and pressure, which if I am being honest draws me to stick with my single life. A relationship would also have to make me consider if it was right for my son, the future ‘somebody’ has to tick both boxes- an even harder task. 

It’s even more difficult when your ex is already a great distance down the ‘timeline of life events’ with someone else. You automatically ask even more questions of yourself. One of the most thought provoking things I read recently was about giving your heart time to heal and be single for a while. It said, ‘If you carry bricks from your past relationship to the new one…You will build the same house!’ Amazing! What a revelation! This is the longest I have ever been single. I had quite long relationships from a young age, so I’m not saying I had lots of boyfriends, but the distance between the end and the start were negligible, and there was always someone, even if it were just a crush. It is invaluable the space that being truly single provides; it de-clutters your mind, allows you to think, process emotions, builds and inspires creativity, and self-reliance. Most importantly it allows you to build a true self-confidence that will stop you searching for someone else to be the reason you are confident. Being confident and happy because of the person you are with means that when they are no longer there, you are no longer confident and happy.

I have realised over the past two years that I used to measure my worth based on what others thought about me. I had a false confidence because of the relationship I was in, which only led to insecurity because I feared the loss of the relationship. What I’ve gained through having my world spiral out of control is a sense of self-worth, and peace. ‘You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.’ A few people have sent me this saying to encourage me in the harder times. You don’t see it at the time, but what you once thought would end your world, really only made it change shape a little. Now I'm confident in who I am and who I am not. I have the love of the most special little boy in the whole world, and no amount of heart ache that the past two years has seen would make me change a thing, for I am his mummy and am so proud and happy to be.

I don’t know where life is taking me, nor do I have all the answers, but I am I’m happy with the person I have become. I’m not perfect and never will be, no one will. But I like that I’ve had time to find myself, and that I like what I’ve found…