Today was a weird day.

I chose the word 'weird' for want of a better way to explain it. Today my son became a big brother, because his dad’s partner had a baby. I obviously knew that this day was coming for the past few months, and I imagined it would feel strange. It did. You never imagine your child will have a sibling that has absolutely nothing to do with you. I always imagined it would be me that gave my son a brother or sister, and I can’t explain how it feels that this is not the case.

In the past couple of years I thought I’d had just about all the surreal experience’s you could have. But today, waiting in my office in the hospital not far from the labour ward for my son to finish meeting his brother, was the most surreal of them all. I thought about the look he would have on his face when he saw his brother for the first time, and that I wouldn’t get to see that. How he would look holding him in his arms and giving him his first soft kiss on his head. Despite how absolutely resolute I am in knowing just how much better my life is now, I allowed myself to feel sad. Because today was always going to be the hardest day. You can move on from your marriage and the feelings you once held for your ex, but I think you’re allowed to feel sad that there is a part of your child that you are not a part of. He is part of a family that will never be a part of, and I have found this is by far the toughest part of divorce.

When I finally see my son, after he’s met his brother, he's a little sad to have left him and wants to see him again. Despite my own feelings (of a small dagger plunging into my heart), I breathe and explain that he will get to see his brother all the time now. That he will be in his life forever. My son says ‘my baby brother is my best pal forever.’ Of course he's right and I’m happy for him. Happy that he has a brother and will experience that relationship. In spite of my, no doubt short lived, sadness on this weird day I choose to enjoy in what small way I can just how happy having a brother has made him. I think that’s surely a better way to approach it than to just be sad.

KT x