Miss, Mrs & Ms.

Am I a different person now or not? Is the question I often ask myself.
It’s been two years since my marriage ended and I see all the people around me moving on. People getting married for the first time, or getting divorced and remarried. People getting pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, and I can’t decide how I feel about that. I’ve been married, I’ve worn an engagement ring and a wedding ring and I’ve had the ‘fairy tale’ day. I’ve been a Miss, Mrs and now Ms. I’ve been pregnant and have a beautiful son, so what really have I to envy?

Sometimes I feel like my life has moved on immeasurably. Other times I feel I’m in the exact same place I was. I suppose if the above ‘timelines of life events’ are to be used to judge progression in life then I'm stationary, because nothing has happened since my divorce. Am I wiser? Yes. Am I happier? Most certainly! Do I often feel like I’m going backwards, because nothing from the above list has happened yet- all the time?

What happens when you find yourself in the same position as me- you’ve hit all the major milestones in life and are left right back at the beginning? I’ve dated in the past couple of years, but I’m thirty two now, and it’s so much harder this time around. For one, I'm a single parent and I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for, but the list of things I am not looking for has grown considerably and does so every day… (And I thought I was picky in my twenties!) I have a somewhat peaceful life being single. It has its moments, but there isn’t the relationship stress and pressure, which if I am being honest draws me to stick with my single life. A relationship would also have to make me consider if it was right for my son, the future ‘somebody’ has to tick both boxes- an even harder task. 

It’s even more difficult when your ex is already a great distance down the ‘timeline of life events’ with someone else. You automatically ask even more questions of yourself. One of the most thought provoking things I read recently was about giving your heart time to heal and be single for a while. It said, ‘If you carry bricks from your past relationship to the new one…You will build the same house!’ Amazing! What a revelation! This is the longest I have ever been single. I had quite long relationships from a young age, so I’m not saying I had lots of boyfriends, but the distance between the end and the start were negligible, and there was always someone, even if it were just a crush. It is invaluable the space that being truly single provides; it de-clutters your mind, allows you to think, process emotions, builds and inspires creativity, and self-reliance. Most importantly it allows you to build a true self-confidence that will stop you searching for someone else to be the reason you are confident. Being confident and happy because of the person you are with means that when they are no longer there, you are no longer confident and happy.

I have realised over the past two years that I used to measure my worth based on what others thought about me. I had a false confidence because of the relationship I was in, which only led to insecurity because I feared the loss of the relationship. What I’ve gained through having my world spiral out of control is a sense of self-worth, and peace. ‘You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.’ A few people have sent me this saying to encourage me in the harder times. You don’t see it at the time, but what you once thought would end your world, really only made it change shape a little. Now I'm confident in who I am and who I am not. I have the love of the most special little boy in the whole world, and no amount of heart ache that the past two years has seen would make me change a thing, for I am his mummy and am so proud and happy to be.

I don’t know where life is taking me, nor do I have all the answers, but I am I’m happy with the person I have become. I’m not perfect and never will be, no one will. But I like that I’ve had time to find myself, and that I like what I’ve found…